[1.18.1] Why is gradle taking an eternity to set up a new mod??

I've done this many dozens of times between 1.7 to 1.16 and every step of any commands needed to be run in gradle, either to initially set up the project or build it, has never taken more than 8 to 40 seconds to complete. My most recent gradle runs in 1.16 had finished all parts of the initial setup in just 24 seconds.

Now I'm trying to set up a new mod in 1.18.1 and I've never had something move so slowly in my life.

It takes about 30 seconds for this to show up: 

To honour the JVM settings for this build a single-use Daemon process will be forked. See https://docs.gradle.org/7.3/userguide/gradle_daemon.html#sec:disabling_the_daemon.
Daemon will be stopped at the end of the build

Then about 5 minutes later I get this:

> Configure project :
Java: 1.8.0_301 JVM: 25.301-b09(Oracle Corporation) Arch: amd64
WARNING: This project is configured to use the official obfuscation mappings provided by Mojang. These mapping fall under their associated license, you should be fully aware of this license. For the latest license text, refer below, or the reference copy here: https://github.com/MinecraftForge/MCPConfig/blob/master/Mojang.md, You can hide this warning by running the `hideOfficialWarningUntilChanged` task
WARNING: (c) 2020 Microsoft Corporation. These mappings are provided "as-is" and you bear the risk of using them. You may copy and use the mappings for development purposes, but you may not redistribute the mappings complete and unmodified. Microsoft makes no warranties, express or implied, with respect to the mappings provided here.  Use and modification of this document or the source code (in any form) of Minecraft: Java Edition is governed by the Minecraft End User License Agreement available at https://account.mojang.com/documents/minecraft_eula.
<-------------> 0% CONFIGURING [4m 52s]

And after 26 minutes it finally starts doing something:

Setting up MCP environment
Initializing steps
Executing steps
 > Running 'downloadManifest'
 > Running 'downloadJson'
 > Running 'downloadClient'
 > Running 'downloadServer'
 > Running 'extractServer'
 > Running 'downloadClientMappings'
 > Running 'mergeMappings'
 > Running 'stripClient'
<=============> 100% CONFIGURING [26m 37s]
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> Resolve dependencies of :runtimeClasspathCopy
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE

But when it moves to 'merge' it hangs yet again:

 > Running 'merge'
<=============> 100% CONFIGURING [34m 45s]

And at the very end, after typing all this and before I hit submit, it's only gotten this far with a weird requested stop message?:

 > Running 'merge'
 > Running 'listLibraries'
 > Running 'rename'
Stopping at requested step: C:\Users\Eria\.gradle\caches\forge_gradle\mcp_repo\de\oceanlabs\mcp\mcp_config\1.18.1-20211210.034407\joined\rename\output.jar
<=============> 100% CONFIGURING [42m 26s]
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> Resolve dependencies of :runtimeClasspathCopy
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE
> IDLE

I'm on Windows 11. Java, the JDK, my system and all drivers are fully up to date, I have 16GB of RAM and a Ryzen 5 3600 in case that's even somehow relevant, and I have a fully functioning 900Mb/s wired connection.

I've tried on both my OS' internal SSD, my external SSD, and an external HDD, all with about the same results. If anything, the SSDs somehow take even longer for it to start doing anything.

All other programs and Windows Explorer are blazingly fast at moving, reading and writing files as normal. It's JUST gradle.

What's going on here?